strange summer days

isn't summer supposed to be warm, soft, and glowy?
they used to be, but then again, aren't most fond memories?
this summer is certainly testing the boundaries of not-so-great summers
...from the very beginning...no before that even!...it has been a strange, strange thing.

i could not decide where to spend my summer. i had three options.
1- stay in california, pay to live at biola and pray for an on-campus or close job
2- move home to maryland to live with dad, no rent, but a car is a MUST-and at the time no car was available and no money to buy one and definitely no money for insurance and don't even get me started on gas...oy. but family would be close and i would have friends nearby.
3- live with mom, bruce, and the little guys (jonah, evan, and isabella: the youngest of the siblings), find a good job close enough to bike or be dropped off at, and have an adventurous summer in florida.

i finally felt that florida could be a great option. staying at school sounded the most lonely, while being home in maryland sounded nice, it is familiar. so florida seemed like a chance to spend time with my youngest siblings, explore the new territory with them, and live in a way i wouldn't normally.

i spent a week in florida, getting used to the intense heat and humidity, learning all the critters to beware of, exploring the area, swimming in the pool, and job hunting. and that is where things started to fall apart.

florida is a backwards state. summer is their slow season. which i think i mentioned before, but bottom line...ZERO JOBS.

the sunday i was set to fly to maryland to attend sofie and collin's high school graduation, i had a meltdown of sorts. realizing i was going to go home to maryland, but not be able to return to my old house really shook me. i was going to see my family, my sisters, my grandparents, and hang out with my friends...and i envisioned myself not wanting to leave at the end of my stay and being dragged onto the plane back to florida.

that day came, however, and i was surprisingly alright with going back. i had decided i still wanted the adventure florida offered, and a promising job interview with the gap gave me optimism that i would be hired and set for the summer.

no such luck. i did not get hired by the gap, nor was i even considered by any of the other 15 places i applied. i called and i emailed, but the fact was...jobs were few and far between and these companies can pick whomever they like and pay them as little as the wish because people are so desperate for work.

the same night i got the letter politely thanking me for my interest in the job at the gap, my uncle frank was killed in a car accident in virginia.
i received a text message from my dad the next morning. and let me just say, for anyone who reads this, i DO NOT like being notified of important, sad, or difficult news via email, text message, etc.

frank was my father's sister, Susan's husband. they have two daughters Kristen in 9th grade, and Dana in 7th grade. For a great part of their lives, their father struggled with alcoholism. he had recently become sober and recovered from the brink of divorce with Susie. he had his life, more or less, back together. he was living at home with his family and living sober.
yet wearing no seat belt, a car accident ended his life.

here is where i struggle with the idea that God rejects those who do not know Him. in my heart, i desperately want to believe that he examines their heart, loves each of his children dearly, and embraces them. but the Bible says differently.

romans says that "where there is no Law there is no punishment" (v. 4:15) and "those who sin in the Law shall be judged by the Law" (v. 2:12). "God is a righteous judge and he will not at all let the guilty go free" (2 Tim 4:8).

"Sodom and Gomorrah are set forth forth as an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire"- Jude 1

so hell is real, okay, but is God not the most loving being, who cares for his children? who are made in His own image?

at the same time, dismissing the idea that we are judged and saying that all are allowed entry into the kingdom of heaven, undermines the sacrifice Christ made on the cross.

so with that, i can only be heartbroken for the soul of those who have passed without knowing the name of Christ, without experiencing his unending love. and i can only hope that my life can be a living sacrifice, one who bring the lost to the feet of Jesus, a life dedicated to advancing the kingdom.

i know this is something i am not. but i pray that through the things that happen in my life, i can grow to be that, to be focused on the cross.


tomorrow i will be flying back to maryland. for good this time.
my prayer for today is
Lord, use this summer to change me.
open my heart and prepare me for what you have planned.